Helena, thanks for being so present in my life and helping me get to the next level of growth I’ve needed. At every step of the way in these recent months, you’ve been there. And it’s kind of really amazing to think that this was God’s plan. I just love the fact that we are on equal ground, and that you help me as much as I help you, and that Christ is the center of this friendship. Praying praying praying for you all the time:

Lord, I’m lifting up Helena to you right now, praying that you are the driving force of her lifeblood, of her actions, of her thoughts, of her attitudes. I thank you for the truth and abundant life you’ve overflowed through her and I pray that you continue speaking in her life. Give her more confidence and compassion and comicality than what I already see in her and grow that so that she can become her truer self in getting closer to you. You are love. In you we live, in you we move, in you we find our being! Thank you for this devoted disciple, chasing after you. I pray for a life-changing week. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

-Joyce

Stagnation - The Dead Road

What I really want to start out with is, “Ok, let’s cut the crap.” But then I’d veer off into some ugly, undignified rant about stagnation and how it’s been affecting my mood lately. And even though that is the topic at hand, I’d like to go about it without exploding in frustration in the process. 

My life changed because God led me to a community of loving and accepting people, who took me in and guided me towards redemption. I’ve been blessed beyond belief, and I’m completely aware of that. I’m grateful every day for everything that I’ve accomplished and how much I’ve grown; for this reality that I never could have imagined and for tapping into the potential I never knew I had. I’m grateful. I really am. But a part of me keeps expecting for life-changing things to happen. And it’s so selfish, so egotistical, so foolish of me. I expect for my days to be at a certain level of excitement and profoundness, and obviously when that standard isn’t met, I fall into stagnation. I mean, I’m in it, right now. 

I always feel the same routine of emotions: instant motivation, followed by rejuvenation and renewal, and then silence. It’s a silence in my surroundings and a silence in my soul. The kind of eerie non-existence of life that threatens to consume me, once again. Ever since my transformation, I have this underlying fear of slipping back into my depression, because in these past four months, I’ve felt more alive than I’ve ever felt before. I don’t want to die again, to feel worthless and without purpose. Having risen out of my rut, I realized that all those negative feelings were mere lies that I was vulnerable enough to believe. But this current and constant routine of emotions has me wondering if I’ve become so vulnerable that I believe these lies again, and believe them so deeply that I perceive them as reality. 

I observed my close friend, who’s self-confidence was on trial, just last week. Unsurprisingly, God rescued her from it; didn’t allow her to fall deeply into it by communicating His love and purpose for her through friends. And the difference between her and I is that she furthered her redemption. God saved her and she allowed that to continue to change her life. As for me, the part that comes after being lifted up is unclear. And it is in this discontinuation of my redemption that I fall into stagnation over and over again. My routine of emotions is on a broken-record loop and the silence at the very end drains me, completely, of any hope I had felt in the beginning when I had just experienced redemption. 

It’s like everything in my life, from prayer to friendship to family, is suddenly dimmed and no longer provides me with the same kind of happiness that change my life in the very beginning. Everything plateaus into emptiness, because as many times as I’ve been redeemed, I allow myself to be brought down by fear and doubt, the causes of my despair in the first place. The worst part is, this cycle has got me trapped. Every time I feel like I’ve been lifted out of it, I spend a couple days lying to myself that everything will be okay, from there on out. I go on about how God has spoken to me through friends and experiences in my week; how I’ve been redeemed, and then fall into this dead road of stagnation, again. 

Lord God, thank you for always being in pursuit of me and for loving me so dearly, that you save me every time I fall into the same situations. Please help me to further my every redemption, to take your saving me to the next step, to let it continue to change my life. Now that I know, that I’ve been honest with myself about what’s been going on lately inside of me, save me once again from this rut because this time I will do whatever it takes to further my redemption. Help me to make redemption be the beautiful process that it is, and not personally define it in my life as something that confuses me even further. I pray that I may use all the blessings you have given me so far to their potential. I promise that I will be obedient with what you have given me, in order to make my life meaningful and purposeful once more. 

- Helena

Pride Pried

You might be surprised, but I most definitely had have a pride issue. Until Monday, it used to be much worse. I’ve always said I was an open book, unafraid to tell people all about my life, but all along I had an army of secrets that I didn’t even realize existed in the deep cavities of my heart. In everything I did, I’d seek approval from people, but that’s only something I could’ve known. It became such a habit, that I didn’t even see it happening.

What’s funny is that the cure is really easy. But first you have to find out you have a problem, and that’s not really possible unless someone else points it out. Even still, real internal pride issues can’t be noticed unless you confess them to a friend. And that is what happened for me Monday night, but let me tell you, it was pretty interesting, so I’ll start from the beginning.

Now that I realize I’m only comfortable with being a certain level of transparent, I’ll go to that limit I’m willing to express. Basically, I realized that for the past 3 years, in everything I ever did at church I was seeking the attention of one person, without realizing that it became a habit, and that this habit was eating away my potential to really know God as a whole supreme being. If you know what I’m really talking about, then you do, if you don’t, then no need to try and figure it out. Because here’s the wonderful part!

After talking to a friend for about 4 hours, her response was simple. Have you prayed about it? My answer was, no. Weirdly, oddly, sadly, no, and why did I never even consider praying about it? Those five words was a response I never expected to get or planned to look for, and out of it just came an immense peace. Peace in knowing that there’s another big, largely significant!, part of my life that I’m giving to God now. Being in a place where you think that you’ve given everything to God, and you literally feel like there’s nothing left, you encounter pride. And it sucks, because feeling too proud about your accomplishments means you don’t even see obvious places for improvement.

It’s just fascinating that things have a way of resurfacing, 3 years later. But there’s the beauty in God’s plan, and His plan has involved communicating with me nonstop for the past 3 weeks. My prayer life has been stagnant my whole life, I have been hiding problems from myself and keeping them from God for years, but now I’m giving it all to God. I used to say I’m an open book, unafraid to share my story with whoever asks. But now I can say that I’m an open book, giving up my biggest fear and delight to God. He’s going to fill the pages of those book in a beautiful way, so that when people ask, they can read a book with a purposeful and thorough story, not a book with a few dismal anecdotes.

Yes, God, I’m giving it all to you. I’m letting go of trying to control friendships my way and giving you the pen to fill the pages. I’m giving you the key to unlock a heart that has been guarded for too long, a heart that has been trying to please people and take care of itself. And in this release of power to you, I’m making a vow, Lord, to pray without end, without bound, without fear. Last night, I tried switching things up a little after realizing I couldn’t sleep for a while. I went down the alphabet and prayed over a person for each letter and when I finished (and didn’t doze off one bit!), I realized about an hour had passed. I hope to pray audaciously and creatively more often, I promise to do that for the rest of my life. I’m giving it all away, away. Giving it all to go YOUR way.

- Joyce

Redemption, always

My full heart beats and beats and beats and BEATS. I am swelling up with joy and security, the waves of easiness washing away any remaining worries. Simple messages exchanged, which never fails to make me smile. Genuineness gladly received from the one who was once a stranger. Moments when the pieces are connecting, so fast, so surely. Surely, He is working at this very moment. And while these events might not be drastic, they provide comfort. Small and simple ways of reassuring me that things will be okay. That God’s got this one, just like the last one and all the other ones to come.

Over the past few days, I have felt slightly empty. Slowly drained. Keeping a secret that had been eating away at my heart was the poisoned icing on this under-cooked cake. The honor of being a part of an audacious team mutated into pressure. The pressure to succeed, to be resourceful, useful, and reliable. Into fear. The fear of failure, judgement, and falling short of expectations. My focus was directed towards the circumstances of my seemingly downward-spiraling life, my attention on the waves that I feared would drown me in this harsh reality. But yesterday, God spoke to me through a friend, once again. Although our conversation was lighthearted and silly, it served the purpose of providing me with happiness and joy.  Through her experiences, she reminded me of prayer. To pray harder. To pray about everything. 

The familiarity of newfound confidence humbles me. How my mind will automatically assume the downward spiral of situations, completely disregarding the truth of His control. How my trust in Him is questioned almost every single day, and how sometimes, that trust becomes threatened to a breaking point. Such a reality terrifies me. Makes me run harder and faster and more willingly to God. I laugh at my foolishness and frown upon my vulnerability as He smiles all-knowingly, as He has watched me turn away from him, as His arms are forever open and ready to embrace. Like a Father welcoming His daughter back home.

God, you are good and your love is unrelenting. Thank you for always welcoming me back home, as if I never troubled You for leaving. Thank you for watching over me while I faced in the opposite direction, as I stared fearfully down a path not of Your creation, and for pursuing me till I turned towards you and your loving embrace. I am comforted by Your presence, and yet my human heart forgets You in the direst of situations. But You save me time and time again, and with my every redemption, I become more willingly Yours. Continue to remind me of Your presence, to the point where my trust in you becomes steadfast and unwavering. 

- Helena

I like to hear people’s stories, what it is that makes them who they are. I like to know why they are the way they are, why they like and dislike certain things. For me, this is how I connect and interact, it’s where I feel like I can care and love them from. I love people. I love their struggles and heartaches and strengths and passions and joys. I love to see all that they are and love them for it anyways, and I guess that’s what makes me who I am and why I find it so hard to strike up friendly conversation at a whim. I used to say I was socially awkward, but now I can see that God has gifted me in a passion for truly knowing people and listening to what they have to say, finding out who they are, and being able to give them the hope and understanding that I think a lot of people overlook.

via (bumblytumbly)

(via helenahuang-xoxo)